Wine intake: Zero glasses each
“I am a genie! I made your wish come true, baby!” I said enthusiastically as I walked in.
“What wish?” My cousin Tiffany asked.
I pulled out two bottles of cheap white wine and struck a pose, “Taadaa!”
“My god, did a homeless person donate that to you?” She asked with a disgusted expression.
“Very funny, I can’t afford all your fancy liquids. You know, I don’t even like wine but this one is alright,” I said, defending my purchase. “I am only having two glasses so that I can sleep well. I’m takin’ it like a medicine.”
“Like a medicine?” Tiffany giggled at my response.
“Yes, I’ll have just one or two glasses. It’s only Thursday after all. Some people have to go to work tomorrow- hey, are you just gonna stare at this working class hero or are we gonna drink these things?”
Tiffany dumped her magazine on the floor and found two glasses. “Let’s do this thing!”
Wine intake: One glass each.
“Just give me your glass!” My cousin demanded.
“Please leave my glass alone, it’s doing just fine!” I snapped.
My cousin filled the glass to the brim. “Now that is how you pour a glass of wine!”
“I seriously beg to differ but you are the expert.” I rolled my eyes.
“I am, girl! Hey, why don’t you take off your work clothes and get comfy?” She asked.
“I just want to sit right here and do nothing,” I groaned.
“Did yew have a rough day Mousey-Mouse?” Tiffany loved calling me Mousey.
“Not really. It was just, sort of…” I did not know if it was the best time to bring up my relationship troubles.
“What happened?” She set her glass down on the coffee table and waited for me to speak.
“It’s actually a very silly situation but somehow I was really upset,” I confessed.
“Now I have to know what this is about!” Tiffany shifted on the couch and looked at me with a serious face.
“Just let me get a CD, it’s too quiet,” I complained and went to my room.
“Not any of that heavy, devil music please!” Tiffany called out from the lounge.
“Oh relax, it’s just Joy Division,” I said and held out the CD cover.
“Ugh! So depressing for a Thursday,” she pouted.
“At least it’s not The Smiths,” I said.
“Yeah, nothing’s more depressing than those bastards,” she shot back.
Wine intake: Two glasses each.
“The second glass of any alcohol is always better,” I said.
“I agree. Your face is not twisting so much with each sip and my second glass does not taste so cheap.” Tiffany winked at me.
“Alright miss sarcastic, so this is how the story goes, you’re aware that I shaved the side of my head on Monday. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do,” I said as I lifted a piece of hair that was covering the bald spot.
“Yeah, looks sick! I have no idea why you’re covering your new side-cut!”
“Tiff’, I’m covering it because Sam saw it yesterday and he hates it. He couldn’t stand the sight of my entire being just because I had this bald patch on my head.” Remembering Sam’s shocked expression, I took a big gulp of wine.
“My god, you guys hardly fight but when you do it’s about the most ridiculous things! So let me figure out this situation in thirty seconds. Samuel is upset with you because you have a bald patch and you’re upset with him because he is upset with you for such a silly reason. Did I get it right?” She finally asked.
“Yes, that is exactly the situation!” I said and sunk from the couch to the carpet.
“You know what the problem is?” She asked with a devilish grin.
“That I’m impulsive?” I asked innocently.
“No, your boyfriend is gay!” Tiffany giggled her naughty giggle.
Wine intake: Three glasses each.
“Don’t say such a thing!” I started giggling with her.
“Seriously though, why is he always fighting with you about your hair, make-up and clothing choices?”
“If I think about all of this on a deeper level, I really do need to stop and think about how he feels. We’re both extremely different. Everything I do is strange to him. You have even advised me to give the poor guy a break,” I confessed.
“You have been dating for about… four months now, why are you guys fighting about the same darn thing?” I could tell that Tiffany was becoming impatient and bored.
“I’m not certain myself. Do you think we are just too different?” I asked.
“To me, it doesn’t seem like you guys are one hundred percent comfortable with each other. It’s as if he is always embarrassed by you,” she said.
“That sounds so sad,” I said, speaking into my empty wine glass.
“Hey, why are you drinking so fast Mousey?”
“I must be depressed. I’m going to get The Cranberries CD, I need a sad female voice.” I said, and I heard Tiffany moan and groan about my taste in music.
Wine intake: Four glasses each.
“What will you be doing about this?” My cousin asked.
“I need to tone down my weird behavior. I mean Sam always meets me halfway. I am the selfish one who just does whatever I feel like doing.” I felt ashamed. “I think it’s the raw truth. I’ve always done whatever I’ve wanted too and I’ll only think of the people I’ve affected afterwards.” I took another long sip.
“I can’t believe I’m hearing you say that. This is who you are! You do the things you do because they make you happy. You’ve never harmed anyone. You think you’re hurting Sam but can’t you see he is harming you? You have always been an odd turnip and proud of it. Think about it, he isn’t really meeting you halfway, instead he’s boring you to death,” she said and took a longer sip.
“Is that true?”
“Mouse, you know it’s true!” She looked surprised.
“I don’t know what to do now,” I said flatly.
“I think you do. Previously, I was giving you the wrong advice. I told you that you should give Sam a break, allow him time to get used to you. Now I think it’s either time for him to really meet you halfway and accept you completely, or this thing isn’t going to work out in the long run,” she smiled.
“Alright,” I said as I got up off the carpet and curled up next to my cousin on the couch. “You can make so much sense sometimes.”
“All my sense-talking is at the bottom of a wine bottle.” Tiffany laughed and pointed to the two empty bottles.
Complete intake: Two empty bottles and the best advice in the world.